A Compendium of Talking Heads

An irreverent look at the types of voices that plague stock-market discourse

“The ridiculous has only become sacred because it hasn’t been sufficiently mocked.”

– Seth Dillon, The Babylon Bee.

Unlike my more evolved colleagues, I waste time on media, both traditional and social. While this throws up great material for the jokester in me, this is terrible for the investor in me. Much of what passes off as investment expertise in media is self-serving drivel. It is infuriating to watch sophisticated charlatans opine confidently about the unknowable and sucker investors into ruinous decisions.

I could have reacted with a serious essay on how to weed out noise from signal. But what’s the fun in that. So, I’ll do what comes more naturally to me – mock all that is absurd about stock-market discourse. I have created a compendium of talking heads (and tweeting heads), mocking the typical categories of gyan-givers who plague my professional neighbourhood. Hopefully, this is more fun to read. And mildly useful in a Via Negativa sense, to recognize the types of ‘experts’ that can be safely ignored.

1. Nostradoofus

This astrologer suffers from prediction addiction. Claims to know where market is headed in near future. Less sophisticated ones make the mistake of being specific – “Nifty target 26,000, market to fall 7%, then rise 13%”. This leaves them vulnerable to getting caught out. Pros hide behind strategic ambiguity- “5-10% fall is always possible but worst is behind us & we’re constructive on the market”.

2. Hypocritus

Wall is full of memorabilia from annual Omaha pilgrimage, but portfolio is full of turds. Claims to be a value investor but is a sucker for pricey fads. Professes eternal love, but turnover ratio is suggestive of one-night stands. Uses Buffett quotes as props for marketing, not guide to investing.

3. Dr Dunning-Kruger

No subject is out of syllabus for this polymath with an op-ed column. Knows if US market has peaked, how flows will pan out, consequences of Trump tariffs, shape of new world order and what PM, FM & RBI governor should do on Monday morning. Tamil movie afficionados would know him as All-in-all Azhaguraja.

4. Accomplice Capital

VC who features on cap-table of every Scamicorn minted in past decade. Used to be cheerleader at board meeting as poor parents were lured into debt traps. Now, lectures on importance of governance. Has funded more burn than GDP of some African countries, now swears by free cash flow. Gets bulk discount on forensic audits from accounting firms.

5. Snake-oil slick

Launches schemes as frequently as SpaceX launches rockets. Comparison ends there as launches end in crash-landings. Schemes have nothing in common except fees. Finding alpha in schemes is as hard as finding a HR person who is good at Maths. Gap between storytelling and performance is wider than that between Chennai airport terminal and parking lot. This is the sort of person from whom you learn marketing, not investing.

6. PE Padder

As a general rule, ignore (padded) financial performance in the year preceding IPO. If there’s a PE investor on cap table, delete that column entirely. PE comes in at 50x valuation and pushes for hockey-stick growth to make up for overpaying. With IPO imminent and growth elusive, desperation leads to unrelated forays, brand dilution, channel stuffing and ill-conceived acquisitions. The minute IPO is subscribed, numbers unravel faster than Trump’s tariff bluster. PE kiss has turned many a prince into a frog.

7. Besharam book-talker

Believes that money isn’t made on buying or selling, it is made on talking (one’s book). A second after buying stock, tells the whole world how this is the greatest thing after Nutcracker’s salli omelette. George Lucas level storytelling follows – magnificent management, megatrend tailwind, hypergrowth runway, China + 1, greening the planet, 100x potential. Let me tell you a secret about those who talk their book – the louder they get after buying, the more silent they’ll be before selling. Don’t become their bag-holder.

8. Idea Diarrhoea

Usually found in social media or institutional sales. Gets wildly excited about a different stock each day, sometimes 4-5 on a good day. ‘Research’ is entirely borrowed, finding talking points via someone else writing a report or piling into a stock. Idea diarrhoea is followed by selective amnesia – loudly boasts about a few hits, while conveniently forgetting the majority that flopped.

9. Sasta Simons

Self-proclaimed quant despite not having shown any Maths talent in life. Quant strategy usually involves applying basic arithmetic operations to stock price data and hoping to God that momentum holds. Essentially technical analysis with better marketing. It is hard to maintain Simons aura if audience discovers that it’s all primary school Maths. So, sasta quants pontificate on macro and market matters, with the intellectual depth of an in-flight magazine.

10. Griftzilla

The God of Grifters. Old world grifters are on TV peddling dodgy smallcaps and dodgier market calls. New age grifters are on social media shilling shitcoins and subscriptions. Usually recognizable via smug grin and punchable face. Claim to have foreseen every event in history, starting with asteroid that killed dinos. Oddly, rather than use their prescience for personal enrichment, grifters have selflessly chosen to share it with the world. For a small fee, of course.

11. Model-portfolio maven

Journalist who pretends to be a researcher. Macro-tourist who claims to be a macro-economist. Peddles something called a model portfolio, which as far as I can tell, is a work of fiction. Fiddles with country and company weights like a fussy toddler moving food around a plate. Can get sounder investment advice out of a toddler though.

12. DCFmaxer

This fella chooses brute-force modelling over knowing one’s own limitations. Predictions over predictability. Double-decimal cost of capital over holistic assessment of risk. Sophistication over robustness. Click-and-drag over common sense. Academic papers over investing experience. Asked how he would teach valuation, Buffett said he’d ask students to value a dotcom and fail anyone who turned in an answer. In my world, failed students become Profs.

13. Pompous pontificator

Pens pretentious essays and poor jokes. Gives gyan that is inapplicable, let alone useful to majority of investors. Shuffles around money for a cut but thinks of himself as a philosopher. Looks at fellow market participants like an NYT columnist looks at a Trump voter. As insufferable as aforementioned columnist.

What I have covered is far from a complete list. Do add to it with your own categories, labels and irreverent descriptions. You may also lose a few friends along the way, but it’s better to be a mocker than a sucker.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is not coincidental.